eleven.

why is everyone so obsessed with themselves? people are so inadvertently narcissistic. and some people are even proud of how humble they are.

our culture is so obsessed with being unique.

we think people are constantly looking at us, taking us into account, or judging us. it’s like when my mom thinks that people are judging me for wearing nike shorts to the mall. or when she thinks that everything that we say and do people are watching and waiting to chastise her for. it’s selfish. no one is looking that way.

we victimize ourselves. people aren’t saying things to insult us. people aren’t thinking. people don’t think of us when they say certain things.

we have this desire to be so individual that if someone else posts something similar on social media, we feel that we own that photo. we own that location. we own that hashtag. we own that pose. we own everything.

we don’t own everything.

everything belongs to God. we are on this earth to glorify Him in all aspects of our lives. we don’t own any of this. and we especially don’t own moments.

we don’t own a picture of a family. we don’t own a picture of a christmas tree. we don’t own a photo of a dog or a moment.

christmas is also such a magical time that isn’t about us at all. it’s a time to love one another and not say anything about things that they feel if they’re negative.

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ten. ~interlude~

also, thnk u for paying attention to twitter boy.

all is reconciled.

apparently he thought i was a white girl account and blocked me

slightly more offended than before but w/e

ps one of my friends didn’t know what “w/e” was and said it was a new one but v sure that was here in the 80s.

pps we are closer to 2017 than 2007

ten.

i think my knee is literally broken.

not literally. just actually.

it clicks.

i am eighty years old. ~ E I G H T Y ~

final tmrw 8 AM

*gun emoji* *laugh-crying emoji*

nine.

there’s something about christmas that’s magical. there are movies about it. there are songs about it. there are books about it. and, maybe it’s because it’s supposed to be magical, but it is.

i love christmas music. the music is always the same and it’s always beautiful, no matter how kitschy. i love that the exact songs my parents listened to when they were kids still play today. i love that we get to add christmas songs and that the old ones don’t go away. i love that sleigh bells become an instrument.

i love christmas movies. i love that they never get old. i love that they are rich in tradition. i love things like the christmas story.

i love christmas traditions. i love that every family has their own, even if they don’t have their own. like, my sister and i always watch passport to paris with mary kate and ashley on christmas eve. i love that my mom’s side of the family calls each other and says “christmas eve gift!” and my dad’s side says “christmas gift!”

i love christmas pictures. i love that it’s a time for everyone to come together. thanksgiving is so focused on family–as it should be. but christmas? it’s focused on all the people you love. we get christmas cards from people across the country and from other parts of the globe who we only really get to hear from near christmas.

i love christmas clothes. sweaters, socks, hats, shirts, pants, leggings, smocks, jackets, scarves, dresses, idk.

i love christmas because people are nicer. people do nice things.

i love it because it’s christmas.

eight.

today has been weird. to start this off, it is important to note that i make lots of “twitter friends.” i’ll meet a person, we follow each other on social media, and we become friends. it’s just a thing. we don’t necessarily become real life friends. but someone who is always commenting/favoriting/retweeting. it’s kind of weird but also okay.

so there’s one of my twitter friends who used to go to my school but had to move to a different university. he’s a pretty funny dude. i expected him to dial down our twitter friendship, and i dialed back because it was kind of weird. but he’s funny, so i don’t really care, ya feel?

well. today, one of my friends retweeted him, which is super normal, but it had the little blue follow dude in the corner. i thought “wow that’s weird, am i using my second twitter account?” and i checked and i wasn’t. then i went to his profile. i wasn’t following him and he wasn’t following me.

now, this happens to me sometimes. i accidentally unfollow people, then they unfollow me. so i went and hit the follow button, preparing myself for an “omg so sorry i do this all the time.” but, instead, it said that i was blocked.

which, literally, wtf. i barely know this guy. he goes to another university like across the united states. he bears like zero significance in my life and i don’t bear any significance in his. also, he favorited one of my tweets from earlier in the day, so, apparently, i offended him with my tweet about christmas cheer or being up too late. tbh, i wouldn’t have been upset if he had just straight up unfollowed me. i would have noticed one day and been like “ok, here is the end of our twitter friendship. goodbye.”

but to block me? i mean, fine. why do i have such significance in your life? i just don’t understand.

but then, THEN, he commented on my instagram. which is weird. because i thought he wanted me to gtfo of his life. and he asked me to tell him why he’s so cute. uh, bc you blocked me? bc i have no idea?

these are two extremely different things. one is GTFO. and one is oddly flirtatious or extremely friendly?

and he has a girlfriend, which is the kicker. likeee ok?

none of my friends know what to do. and, hell, i don’t know what to do.

this boy was so insignificant to me a day ago, and idk why this stresses me out so much but it really does. boys suck. and it’s not even a “boys suck omg i love him” type thing. it’s more like a people suck. i hate them.

seven.

it’s 5:08 am. i’ve already said idiotic things like “it’s four and a half am” bc that’s what happens. you go on thanksgiving break, you accidentally spend your whole night creating the perfect sim family. you get nervous that your child with your person is going to be a bad child or a dumb child so you have to regulate their lives. and then it’s 3 am. and then your sleeping schedule is screwed.

and then you get back to college. where you need to do things. but you can’t because all you want to do is vacation. bc vacation season has begun. it is here. and then they put dumb things like papers and finals at that time.

i’ve been riding the crimson wave for the past three days. okay i was going to erase that because i was so disgusted by how that sentence turned out, but, since it was so disgusting, i decided to keep it so someone else could experience how gross it was and be equally upset by it. i’m a monster.

anyway, my mom does this thing where she doesn’t believe that we love her. she thinks that the rest of our family is out to get her and that we only laugh at her. she thinks we don’t appreciate her, we hate her family, we think she’s a fool. these are all untrue.

it comes from the change in culture between our generations mostly. we call my mom the thesaurus queen because she gets miffed if we use the wrong word or she gets offended because she knows the exact meaning of each word spoken. she gets offended by simple vocabulary because if you say that something is “special” she doesn’t like how vague that is. idk.

basically, the issue is that we switch off holidays between her parents and my dad’s parents. so we have a dad christmas and a mom thanksgiving, then a mom christmas and a dad thanksgiving. in theory, this would be a great plan. a for effort, you guys. but the thing is that that’s not how it works here.

on my mom’s side, she has one sister who is married with three kids and a dog. they live in the same metroplex as my grandmother and granddad, so they get to visit all the time. every time we drive through their city, we drop in. every time we stay in the city, we stay with them. usually, my grandmother cooks a delicious meal with several sides and dessert. it’s always quite structured and proper. my cousins and my mom’s sister, my aunt, usually are able to join us. on thanksgiving, we eat a nice meal, only it includes turkey and our dessert is pumpkin pie. there’s not much difference. the same people, same set up, different bird and pie filling. this isn’t to downplay the importance of my relationship with this side of the family, but thanksgiving on my mom’s side isn’t anything special. in fact, it feels like any old weekend that we would visit.

on my dad’s side, he has three sisters and two brothers. four are married, and one is engaged. together, they have seven kids and two step kids. they have about fifteen dogs. my nana and papa aren’t around anymore, but that doesn’t stop thanksgiving. background, we don’t get to visit this side as often. although my nana and papa lived in the same metroplex as my grandparents, their house was always full of people and short on space. so, even when we were visiting nana and papa, we were staying with grandmother and granddad. three of my dad’s siblings live in the metroplex, one four hours southeast and one two hours south. we live two and a half back east. when we would eat, my nana would have us run to burger king or taco bell. in the morning, we would eat pop tarts and doughnuts instead of cereal and fruit. we could eat oreos for breakfast if we wanted! the difference between the two grandparents couldn’t be greater. when it comes to thanksgiving, we all head down to my dad’s oldest sister’s house where she hosts a feast for all of our family, including my second cousins, first cousins once removed, etc. it’s around seventy family members–a de facto family reunion–every year in november. it’s great. when i think of thanksgiving, this is it.

now, for christmas, i mentioned that we always stay with my grandmother and granddad. my mother would protest this claim. and she’s right. we’ve stayed about four times or so. i’m twenty. but, the fact remains that we generally stay with them. which means we don’t actually flip flop christmases. even when it’s my dad’s side’s christmas, we do much more with my mom’s side than the other, because of our obligations as their guests. Now, I don’t mind spending time with them. but it’s unfair that each year we do more mom and less dad.

i know no one cares but i just really love my dad’s family’s thanksgivings.

idk.