today i had this terrifying dream that someone found this blog. that someone found this blog and shared my secrets with the world.

which is dumb because my secrets aren’t secrets. my thoughts are the secrets about them, i guess. i’m okay with people knowing everything as long as they don’t know how i feel about it.

i don’t like to hurt people. i don’t like to make people sad. and i don’t like for people to pity me.

slightly irrelevant, but i also hate when people are insincere. which is why i actually hate the idea of blogs. the idea of people writing things so that other people will be impressed by the things that they are writing. so that other people will think that the person who wrote the blog is a) smarter b) more hip c) more christian d) a better all around human or e) funny.

people aren’t raw. people are too afraid. i am, too, i think. i tweet the things that pop into my head then people tell me i’m hilarious. i don’t take compliments well. i wish i did.

i’m also a big fan of ‘intellectual property.’ not because i’m selfish, but because i would much rather someone think of something hilarious or interesting themselves. i’m constantly looking for funny things. but then i tell other people those funny things with the credit given.

for example, my friend retweeted another friend who made this lame joke about not telling the olive garden waiter to ‘stop’ grating the cheese and everyone drowned in parmesan. she tweeted the joke about a month later. now, i wasn’t mad at her because i wasn’t the funny one here. but, the fact remained that she tweeted it because she knew she would get retweets and favorites. it was a good joke.

my generation is so hard-wired to look to be the most successful. we strive to be the best, the most noticed, the smartest, the funniest, the -est. we don’t do well as second best or unsuccessful.

i think there’s something beautiful about people not being good at stuff. and not in the super “i’m a great christian find your identity in Christ” way. although you should totally do that. but sometimes it’s good to just be satisfied in being yourself. which is cliche but so effing true.

i hope someone does stumble across this blog but just so they can read it and realize that sucking at something is part of life. it’s like when i tell people i’m not doing well in a class or that i’m not good at tennis. i don’t tell them because i want pity, or because i’m actually good and want affirmation. i’m not doing well. i’m actually bad at tennis. i think it’s funny. don’t get me wrong, i am very  competitive. but i also know when it would be dumb to be hard on myself for losing or getting second or third or whatever.

we live in a world where everyone is great. and self-advocacy or self-affirmation is encouraged. and, while i’m a huge advocate for self-advocacy, it’s important that we realize that we need to take care of others, too. it’s not all about us. we aren’t all the best. i told one of my co-workers i’m not a fan of the participation trophy. she looked shocked. “but they need to know that it was a good effort!” then tell them. tell them “hey, kid, good try. you can always do better.” the best people aren’t the best because they had a good effort. they give their best. top athletes don’t rest at the top. they continue. same with theologians and scientists and filmographers and composers and engineers and idk. we have to remember that for some people to be extraordinary, we need the ordinary. and it’s a beautiful place.

don’t change yourself to be cool. or hip. or funny. or smart. be you. seriously. i mean, come on. it’s so much easier!

if everyone’s super, no one will be.


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