coughing is stupid.

isn’t that profound? coughing sucks. right now, i cough if i breathe too deeply. or i cough at random moments. it’s like my throat is constantly dry. it’s like i have cereal dust in my throat (only bc i don’t want to think of swallowing saw dust).

i miss having my mom here to fix things like this. okay, well, my mom always believed me when i feigned sick. i miss my dad actually knowing how to cure it. i miss it a lot. i miss my dad. even when i didn’t have my dad, i at least had jacob who i could call and he would tell me what to do or listen to me cough and apologize and sometimes he would come and just love me.

being loved is so great, you know? having someone who just wants to snuggle with you and cuddle and pet your hair and make fun of you but kiss you in the same sentence. and someone who knows your favorite sonic drink and favorite shampoo and favorite vegetable and your birthday but that you hate half birthdays but always want someone to celebrate yours anyway. and that you hate surprises but only when you know they’re coming. and that you’re a sucker for full names and no nicknames. who makes fun of you for liking regular cheerios but still buys them instead. who lets you tell pun jokes and just bad jokes and still pity laughs. someone who knows your favorite song even when you don’t know. someone who will watch harry potter with you and judge you 0% when you can quote…all of it. that person who lets you tell them facts and correct them because he knows you only do it because you think he’d like to know. someone who corrects you back because you would like to know. someone who can spend hours talking about the bible and modern literature and ideas and love. someone who can still enjoy really simple things like bubbles. and knows how to do cool things like skateboard while i rollerblade.

jacob is so important. i don’t understand. he is. it’s just like. we’re in different places. we’ve always been in different places. for years i wanted to be where he was, then it flip-flopped and now it’s non-existent. and now we’re just. we’re just just.

i don’t have that person. and it’s not that he was my person. but the fact that he was that person for so long. this is getting annoying and whiny. this is why i hate blogging. this is why i hate diaries. i only ever talk about the things that i don’t actually talk about. and it’s all dumb. stupid stuff that doesn’t matter.

but doesn’t it matter? i’m a twenty-year-old girl with emotions and i don’t know how to date boys anymore because one perfectly imperfect boy ruined me. yeah, he was last on the list but does that matter? it’s a relatively short list, but i suppose that’s his fault isn’t it. but it’s not his fault? it’s not anyone’s fault. it was a relationship. a rocky one. a rough one. a beautiful one. one that taught me so much. i learned all about what i should find and what i shouldn’t. but now, of course, i have no idea how to maintain an easy perfect relationship.

things i shouldn’t do: watch gilmore girls. my emotions are so tangled up in their lives i have no idea.

no my heart is breaking and it is in all lowercase because my heart is broken and i cannot function and i do not know what to do and i cannot function. redundant or used for intensity? you may decide. lorelai and luke are both so great but in different ways. except for that lorelai is the worst because she is the worst. luke is so great. he is perfect. wait but christopher is also perfect. but only because he is a puppy. christopher only ever does anything because he thinks it’s the right thing and he wants everyone to be happy but doesn’t know how and he always needs your help figuring it out. luke is perfect because he loves so hard but doesn’t know how to show it so he doesn’t ever do anything because he’s too nervous about pulling a christopher and doing the wrong thing. and luke never needs you. except for that he does.

sorry. i shouldn’t watch gilmore girls. it makes me introspective. esp. dating.

jacob was perfect. jacob is perfect. i am so thankful for him.



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